A Child's Perspective

I've really been debating writing a blog about this topic for a while. Recently, however, it has been weighing on my heart tremendously and it's something that I feel so passionately about. I promise to try to make this as brief as possible. I will warn you, however, that the words I'm about to say may step on some toes. I say them out of love and concern and with no ill intentions, and I speak them from a place of experience, hurt and healing. 

"That word" is not used in a joking manner in my home. "That word" is not used as a threat in an argument. "That word" is something that changed my life. 

"That word"? Divorce. 

Too often in today's society marriage is looked at simply as a loosely binding, only if I get my way and I'm happy, tax credit, as long as _____, agreement. Wow. My heart literally ACHES. 

Over the last few years, I have witnessed and experienced divorce in many couples, including my own parents. I was of the "not my parents, never happen to me" mentality until it hit me like a ton of bricks in 2008. My family is/was a fantastic Christian family who worked hard to provide the best life for me and my brothers that they could. The years that have followed have been filled with heartache, tears, healing and new relationships. 

Let me make something VERY clear. While I do NOT condone divorce in many, many cases, I do believe that the Bible gives reasons for divorce. This post does NOT simply refer to my parents divorce. I am also NOT here to judge my parents, you, or anyone else with the decisions you make. 

The reason for this blog post then?

I am extremely tired of the "I just don't want to be married" "We just don't love each other" "He/She just doesn't understand" and many times, the marriage is ended, with no real try for reconciliation and the children are left....in the middle...shuffled from home to home. That's right, your children. 

My reason for this post is to give light to a different side. A child's perspective.

If you think for one second that your divorce will not negatively affect your children in one way or the other, satan has you so very fooled. (And let me be clear that I am speaking on cases of selfishness, not abuse) 

Your children will pay the price regardless of their age. You can get rid of your spouse. They can not get rid of their parent. More than likely, they will watch their world, as they know it, crumble. They will feel lost and shuffled between two sides. Even if it is not asked or mentioned, they may feel pulled to one side or the other. When you divorce, realize that your decision will not only affect your relationship with your spouse but it also affects your relationship with your children. Please don't be fooled. Sure, some couples can divorce and be the "happy, shared custody, live next door" families that are portrayed on tv. But more than likely, it won't be yours, as it isn't in the majority of divorce cases. Your children may feel as though they are to blame. They will, more than likely, not tell you every thing they feel no matter how "close" you think your relationship is. Their relationship with God may also be affected. Either positively or negatively, and you can only hope that it is not the latter. This is not a blog post about whether divorce is right or wrong. (That's a discussion for another day) I am simply imploring you -society- to step back and realize that it isn't as "black and white" as you think. 

Marriage is to be a blessed union between two people. Marriage should not be a selfish agreement. It is hard work. It isn't to be taken lightly. It's sacred. And when you chose to get married, you felt that way. You took that vow. Why then, do we not fight for it? Why then, do we let satan rip it away from us without holding on as tight as possible? 

All I am simply asking is to seriously consider your children, your actions and your reasons. Your relationships with your children will not be the same. It isn't just about you and your spouse when you bring children in to the world. If you do divorce your spouse, hug your children. Love them. Get them someone, BESIDES yourself or family, to talk to. DO NOT trash talk your ex. DO NOT make them choose a side. Above all, consider that they may be hurting or struggling with the concept and don't downplay their feelings.

"This hurts me so much more than my children" Is something that I heard a few years back and my heart broke. In many cases, that is so naive. It hurts. It is a different hurt, but it hurts. 

I have struggled with the consequences of my parents divorce and have experienced many of the feelings mentioned above. I have also gotten to a place of healing with some and not with others. I have overcome many of the challenges that I mentioned. This post is not about me or my experiences, however, it is about children in general. They have a voice too and I emplore you to listen to it. Not to keep your marriage alive for them but to understand that they also play a role in a divorce. Don't be naive and fooled in to thinking otherwise.